Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Couch. On fire.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
