Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
