PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
