my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
