Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
