I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
