And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
