Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
