It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
