did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
