he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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