I am in a vortex of obligation.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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