Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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