...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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