worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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