You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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