i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
