Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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