: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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