his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
