I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
