just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
