my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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