she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
