he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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