what day is it and did you see me today?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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