I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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