just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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