HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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