I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
