respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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