i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
