He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
