Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
