Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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