we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Man, jail baloney is awful.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
