I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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