i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize