Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
