He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
