Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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