So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was confusing and full of hummus
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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