I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
