put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
