There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
