you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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