This is not my ceiling
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
