Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
