everyone is single if you try hard enough
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
