yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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