Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
