I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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