Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
